My 2024 Has Been a Huge Pain In The Ass So Far

This article is gonna be pretty gross. You’ve been warned. It’s TMI but someone might want to learn about ischiorectal/perianal abscess so here you go.

I’m posting this around a month since I got the surgery.

Where It All Started

So, around Christmas I felt a lump in my ass which I thought was a hemorrhoid. Unpleasant, but it would get a lot worse when I went to SA where sitting down became increasingly painful. I was ashamed to say “my ass hurts” so I was sneaking around trying not to say “I need hemorrhoid cream”.

At some point my right cheek felt inflamed and it went downhill from there. Lazy and tired, I didn’t go out as much and I was embarrassed to say “my ass has problems”. Every 10 minutes my Apple Watch was like “your heart rate is really high and you’re being a lazy fuck”. Throwing the watch at the wall fixed that problem though not really.

Things Get Worse

Coming home was a dredge and my mom insisted I go to hospital, especially after seeing at 180/130 BP which should indicate a heart attack is imminent. I’m a fat ass so I have it coming, but the few times I measured my BP it’s mostly ok.

We went to Arundel hospital (which is free) and they confirmed the insane BP reading and I got to finally be honest about my problems. The doctors then ordered an X-ray and labs as well as prescribed some medicine as follows:

• antibiotic injection
• one BP medicine pill
• a lot of paracetamol,
• some pills to lower the heart rate and
• Ass cream that don’t help for shit

The in hospital pharmacy and X-ray were closed so we rushed into the city to get the medicine. My health insurance was doing upgrades so I had to pay $15. Then I went to the blood tests and they said they’d help me before calling insurance to check the next day. Also got lectured about my weight which is whatever but maybe do the fucking test first before concluding that?

With those I hurried back to get the antibiotic injection which made me feel really nauseous. As I was going to puke, I thought it went to the other end. Like haha, brilliant prank body.

The next day we got the xray and blood tests and they were fine despite the white blood cells which were presumably warding off an infection in my ass. For that, I got another pain killer and a second antibiotic course. I really wanted to lay around in bed which my mom hated as I need a sense of self preservation so I resolved to do better the next day, which was a struggle since I was really weak and dazed. Also wasn’t hungry since my body had no need for food I guess.

Wednesday we went to a different hospital where the doctor put a finger up my ass (which was painful) to feel for any abnormalities and they weren’t any. Again the BP was insane so they took me into monitoring, taking a painkiller injection, BP pill and suppository painkillers.

The nurse asked if I knew where suppositories went. “Up my ass?” I squeamishly replied to which they shoved it down there. The bed was nice and I wish I got more of the warm bed sheets on top. I also got my blood drawn for even more blood tests and was asked to take an HIV test since the nurse pricked themselves. Didn’t want to know it, but I can’t really put the nurse’s life in danger, you know?

After chilling in the cozy bed for a bit, my cousin (who’s a doctor)¹ and aunt (who’s also a doctor albeit non-medical) came by. My cousin gave me some helpful suggestions. After that I fucked around on my phone until the results came back where everything was fine. I was then ordered a colonoscopy which was a bit shocking to do at 28, so was the bill at $230 after insurance. I was then prescribed two bags of mannitol solution. I heard about mannitol when I watched American Vandal season 2 as someone mixed it in the cafeteria lemonade and yeah. I thought that the TV show was an exaggeration but nope.

More Pain and Suffering Which Made Cholera Much Better In Hindsight

Thursday rolled up and the pain was worse. Not just general swelling but there was a thin line of pain so to speak which was unbearable when aggravated. I then dredged up the first bag of mannitol, full of crystals and drank it up. I spilt a bit and the crystals went everywhere.

I then tried to fuck around on my phone and all of a sudden I violently shat my bed and the floor as I ran over to the en-suite toilet. There was a towel protecting the sheets but this would be horrible. I continuously soiled underwear in a hopeless attempt at protecting my surroundings.

On top of that, I had to drink another bag and the horrors continued. Honestly, cholera was a better experience than this. To manage the pain, I shook my head vigorously so I could at least try to wipe.

It Took You All Long Enough

Eventually, my shit ran clear which would allow for a good colonoscopy. I then slept a few hours before going to the gastroenterologist. Before leaving, I took another clear dump and noticed this white stuff that smelt dreadful. I did have a fucking abccess and the doctors all missed it.

I went over and they were about to sedate me and the doctor noticed that yup, this is an abscess and left an iodine soaked towel in my butt. I don’t think I got the colonoscopy, but I hope he’ll enjoy his fucking money. He wrote me a letter saying, yeah it’s an ischiorectal abscesses and it’ll have to be removed surgically. He would have done it, but he had to travel, so he said.

Thankfully the hospital was nearby so I went to casualty, gave them the letter and they went into action. I had a super cool doctor to do the checkup before going to observation to wait for admission. They had the nerve to ask me for a $2 that insurance didn’t pay before asking for another sensible $50 shortfall. Can’t believe I got a credit note from a fucking hospital. It’s like when I got one from the rip-off airport logistics company.

Eventually, I got wheelchaired up into my hospital room with another guy and my cousin who drove me headed home to get my things. A while waiting and a nurse came at 12pm and they were like:

by the way, you have surgery today and you can’t eat or drink anything.

What time will the surgery be? I asked.

we don’t really know.

Somehow I have an “emergency” but this can wait until some unspecified time? Again, I wasn’t in imminent danger so whatever. Eventually the surgeon came around and told me that they’d be removing an abscess by making a cut and draining it out.

At 5 I handed over my belongings and got wheeled into ER where I met with an anesthesiologist. She put some stickers onto me before I waited for a bit. Eventually I got in the operating theatre where they somehow managed to get me onto the bed. The anesthesiologist told me to shimmy down a bit before I woke up super agitated with a sore throat wearing a mask. I saw the anesthesiologist and kept shouting at her about how I was in pain and screaming for a nurse, to which she was like “you’re fine”. I also noted this huge bandage lodged in my butt. At least there was far less pain now.

I got wheeled back and seriously hammered the call button and nobody came. They said I didn’t actually wait long but whatever. I finally got some food and the guy was nice enough to get me some juice. Would have been soda but the place was closed. I then went to bed.

Spending The Weekend in Hospital

I woke up and took a dump and to my horror I noticed a huge chunk of my ass was missing. Fuck this is terrible. The nurses came and put a new cannula before giving me some painkillers, blood thinning injections and a big bag of antibiotics which would drip down the cannula. I also got an antiemetic so I wouldn’t puke like the first antibiotic injection I got. Not sure I needed it, but maybe it worked.

I then needed to take a sitz bath in some water with rock salt and betadine. They had no tubs so I had to fit my ass into a tiny ass dish which was surprisingly possible though it spilt a lot of water on the floor. I then got a reasonable breakfast before my mom and work mate came over and we had a chat. Afternoon came, had a decent lunch, got more painkillers and another antibiotic drip and antiemetic along with medical readings and and kept fucking around on my phone. Shoulda watched movies but I was too lazy. Somehow the hospital Wi-Fi had no social media or YouTube.

My doctor cousin and husband came around to which she was pretty helpful and left some snacks. She suggested that instead of lying down all day I walk around.

The surgeon then came and asked how I was doing. I was ok and wasn’t in pain as much as the whole process was uncomfortable. I was also shocked at the wound to which he was like

eh, we had to drain 250ml of pus out of your ass.

Really? Must have stank like hell.

it did but 🤷🏾‍♂️. Now about your weight…

He was also really concerned about my weight which was like yeah…

let’s have a look. The swelling is reduced which is good.

On god? Doesn’t feel like it.

no cap.

He also told me to walk around a bit. Funny how this always happens but they’re all trained physicians so why am I surprised?

My boss then visited me and we talked a bit catching up with work followed by my cousin and maid at home who came to check up on me.

A decent dinner came and I got another tub sitting and round of drugs. Honestly I’m surprised I don’t have an addiction to these painkillers given how many I took and how I didn’t really need them since there was less pain and more discomfort.

It was an incredibly uncomfortable experience. My butt was bubbling out the wound and I was completely wrecking the sheets, even with linen saver sheets.

Fucked around on my phone and slept. Not sure why I have to get up a 5:46 in the morning but the painkillers, anticoagulant, and antibiotic/antiemetic combo was waiting for me.

There are lots of bacteria, how do you know that these are going to the right place? I asked.

It’s specific to rectal bacterial.

Alright, fatass into the tiny again. Took a dump trying to be as clean as possible which was like yeah… The surgeon came back around in the morning and asked how I’m doing.

Again, I’m fine but this isn’t very comfortable you know.

I know

Really now?

anyways how’s the pooping

It’s not too bad though it feels kinda soft pasty. Don’t know if it’s the colonoscopy but it’s kinda weird.

yeah you have a laxative too.

Anyways, got breakfast and ducked around on my phone again. Mom came around after church with her friend and we chilled for a bit. She prayed for me and I had lunch.

Decided to take the surgeon and my cousin’s advice and walk down to the canteen to get a pie and a soda. Not a hard walk, but uncomfortable. Turns out the worker also works at the market I usually go to on Saturday’s. I missed the taste of soda.

Walked back up and chilled until more vitals and medicine. In addition to the antibiotics/antiemetic I got quickly and painkillers I had to get 2 anticoagulant injections which I objected to before relenting. I was about to get moved to a ward with a bathtub that would be a better sitz experience but they had no stoppers, seriously. In the dish I go in the shower where it’s less messy.

Decided to dose off and got woken up at 10pm for vitals and more medicine. Offered yet more anticoagulants and I told them I got it already but they didn’t note it down. Sternly refused to which they shrugged 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Getting Outta Hospital

Went back to bed and got up at 5.

Surgeon came around and I kept telling him it’s uncomfortable, not painful.

I know. But you seem fine so if you’re ready we can discharge.

What do I need to do at home?

take sitbaths and try to keep things clean.

Dawg, it’s in my ass. I’d stay longer but it’s expensive.

true, so you wanna go?

Yeah

great, come by my office next week for a review. And seriously look at your weight man.

Alright, see you then.

The anesthesiologist also came by just to see how I was doing and getting along.

Fine, thanks again and sorry for shouting at you.

you were quite agitated but it’s part of the job.

A job she would need $690 for but I’m getting ahead of myself. Still, the discharge process took a long time as I needed to wait for medicine to which I got:

• antibiotics in 1000mg pills, which is a lot.
• more antibiotics,
• a laxative,
• pain killers and
• more pain killers.

I may or may not have snuck out with the linen savers. Here’s a pic of all the medicine I used, littered on my desk:

Also anticipated my hospital bill but they said I didn’t have to pay anything and insurance took care of it. Yay, but this is short lived.

The hospital wasn’t necessarily great. Not very attentive nurses and what do you mean the bathtubs don’t have stoppers? Then again, the private Avenues Clinic I went to is orders of magnitude better than most government hospitals. Avenues was clean, had all the medicine I needed along with decent food and a bed. At Pari, I’d probably be on the floor with shit food in an overcrowded ward.

Got home and passed through getting some panty liners to help with the pusy purulent discharge. It wasn’t very comfortable. Also passed through work to get some money and told them I wouldn’t be in for a few weeks until this wound heals up a bit. A coworker wanted to lay hands on me and was very curious as to where they needed to. Funny how everyone is really interested in why my ass needs surgery.

The Healing Process

Recovering at home was still uncomfortable along with juggling all these meds, especially the 1g pill. Wow. The worst part was figuring out how to sleep without ruining the sheets with this pusy discharge. Also, it took weeks to clear out the clinical smell of betadine on my body and clothes.

The day after the anesthesiologist office called saying insurance paid $200/$890 for the surgery and they’d want the balance. They said I could do a payment plan which is like whatever, what else do I do?

Another day the surgeons office called also wanting money though insurance was more generous though I still had to pay $611 and the payment plan is 75% upfront. Fuck.

As much as I want to say insurance is useless, I didn’t have to pay for the hospital stay and covered all the medicine.

Spent the next few days handling work as well as taking walks in the morning as the doctor encouraged exercise. My boss came over just to check up on me and give me some money to handle the medical bills which I greatly appreciated.

The review date came around and I had to negotiate payment plans. I doubt I’ll fulfill them, but hopefully the cash I put down would placate them for a while. I headed to the surgeon and he highly suggested looking into the weight. He also took a look and he said the wound was healing fine and to visit him next week.

More work and exercise and I’m actually liking this set up. I love working at home. The next review came around and I had forgotten to book. Wasn’t too bad since the surgeon wasn’t far. At this point all the medicine was finished, the wound was kinda itchy and the puss soaked sheets became blood soaked which was distressing.

The surgeon said the blood is a good sign as the puss is no longer draining and it’s mostly surface puss. Also he mentioned the wound was huge to ensure the pocket came out entirely.

The following weeks have been more work (which was really annoying) and slow recovery although I sadly fell back into my bad habits making me fat and lazy. Going back to the office, the annoying part is figuring out how to limit the draining and I decided not to cover it or anything. I mean, removing gauze would hurt like a bitch. I also read that not using some dressing might be more comfortable. It was but the draining keeps ruining my underwear.

Sleeping though I’d use some super absorbent maxi pads since I didn’t know what else was capable of soaking up blood and all. Guess men can use them after all. Also, nobody really cares that I bought them. It took a while to figure out a comfortable setup but I eventually got it.

Conclusion

So yeah, this is how my 2024 began—as a literal pain in the ass. As I’m writing this the wound is still open but it’s closing up and it’s discharging much less than it was before. Apparently the process can take up to 8 weeks to completely heal. Unexpectedly expensive, but I can’t say my healthcare was entirely useless. I do wish I got to work at home more but they need me in the office so yeah.

The one thing I’m really scared of is if an anal fistula forms which is a tunnel between the anus and the skin which can accumulate pus and be very painful. And it seems there’s a 50/50 chance of that happening after surgery 🫤.

Don’t really have many tips, but I’ll try and give some:

1. If you feel a lump in your butt get it checked out straight away. They might handle it outpatient vs through surgery and if you leave it it’ll get much worse.
2. It’s not that embarrassing—you’re sick so be honest about it.
3. The sitz baths really help. Might be better with betadine but it smells so clinical and I hate it.
4. Invest in a bidet. It’s far less aggressive than wiping and more sanitary. Saves on TP too.
5. You can call an incontinence sheet a “linen saver”
6. The online resources are pretty helpful, but you may need to look for ‘perianal’ instead of ‘ischiorectal’.

Im so happy to be in less pain though it’s kinda bullshit that this was my first time in hospital since I got my tonsils removed when I was 9 in 2004!