hi, it’s been a minute

It’s been a while since I’ve published¹ anything and that’s because I’m a complete mess. Doesn’t look like it since I’m in a stable housing situation and I have a job but I have a very shaken foundation. A had weeks where I woke up with existential dread and anxiety and have had thoughts that I thought made no sense to have. I can’t afford therapy and talking about this with people IRL is cringe so I’m writing this. Not like anyone will read it.

can’t get no job

For one, I doubt I’ll ever be able to find a better job and my life will be pretty shit going forward. I’ve applied to a thousand jobs this year and have gotten nothing but rejections and ghosting. Closer to home I’ve gotten no replies from local companies whatsoever². As much as I’d like to blame shitty job markets, shitty hiring practices and whatever external factors there may be, I straight up suck.

Don’t have certifications, personal projects or references that can vouch for me. I also suck at conveying my experience and networking. Like, how can I put myself across well in one page? Also, how do I even start linking up with the local Zim IT scene. Seems like I’ve isolated and regressed so long I don’t even know how to dig myself out of it.

Out of Zim the opportunity is non existent. No one sponsors visas and I don’t know if I can afford the process.

i suck at my job (which kinda sucks)

In my three years working I can’t say I have much to show for it. Just helping with a computers in the office, trying to get this stupid CRM at work to work with a lot of shady hacks and taking far longer to do things than I should despite being asked over and over again. I mean, I put a lot of work into making a mobile app (with the help of a contractor) and it sucks shit. I should probably do a post mortem but it cost more than it should, took longer than it should and did less than it should. I also suck at talking with vendors.

No, what the fuck do you mean we didn’t discuss this feature, we did? What the fuck do you mean “working as designed”? And so on and so on—just roll with the punches.

The company is also a shitshow. It’s better than museyamwa³, but feels very chaotic for something that very much shouldn’t. I don’t want to go into it too much, especially since that my actions play a big part in said chaos, but my one complaint is my paltry excuse of a salary. It’s less than last year despite working on this fucking Mobile app that’s important for the vision. Tried asking for a raise since I’m a “manager” but supposedly it would bankrupt them, something that other expenses didn’t do. Honestly, it really isn’t something livable were I not living with my mom. It’s a net negative!

Again, if I’m actually worth more I would have had a new job by now. I don’t so that validates that I suck. I also hate that I can’t be honest—it never works out well.

i suck at life

Money, health, grooming, relationships, habits, socializing, “being a man”—a whole lot of shit. The only thing I’ve been good at is being fused to my phone and endlessly doomscrolling. If shit looks bleak, why bother?

I can’t really point to anything I do well in my life right now. Maybe not being hooked on drugs but it’s not like my doomscrolling is any better.

I should be a lot further in my life right now yet I still live with my mom with a shit salary, nonexistent relationships and no self-control. Also a scared little bitch.

my hobbies fell off and i have no vision

Taking an honest look these sucked, but I did spend a lot of time writing and developing my site, though I kept remaking it over and over again. I had dreams of making cool content, trying out lots of new things and eventually having a cool maker space of sorts—I haven’t given a rats ass about any of that shit in the past few months.

It just feels as if I’ve been going through the motions, just trying to get work (which has me in a lot of Saturdays) out of the way so I can fuck around on my phone. It used to be my iPad Pro but I slept over it and destroyed it as I was heavily depressed.

enough bitching, what now

Well honestly with all the shit that’s fucked up, I’d like to fix it all. Sadly, that isn’t possible so I’ll have to be patient. If I needed an action plan, it’ll be this:

• work on ensuring it continuity. Don’t know why I feel the need to be the hero, but the company has a bus factor of 1 and computer shit goes bad when I leave for holiday. I really need to make documentation so that someone else can pick up if I happen to leave. I was told to get a “second in command” but theres no money for it since it went to other things that happen to cost far more.
• serious consider leaving the job. It’s financially a net negative, the experience is dubious and I just don’t want to deal with that place anymore. I can’t leave without anything else lined up so I should probably line something up instead of hoping for the hundreds of rejections to reach back to me.
• do my daily walks again. I did this every day but I just stopped. Don’t know why but maybe I should get back at it. Don’t know if it will lift my mood but it seems like a good habit to get into.
• write more and code more. Besides being the name of my kids if I have them in line with Zimbabwean naming tradition, I want to do more of this. I have a lot I want to share as well as a lot of things to make. Also, I’ve always wanted to be playing around with code and making cool’s things. I’m writing this post so I guess I’m starting this.
• make more money and manage it better. This would make the biggest difference in my life and there are a lot of things which would improve if I had this. Relying on a job in Zim is stupid, but I really don’t see how I can use my writing to make more money. Guess I’ll have to take some risks.
• taking control in small ways. My life is fucked I’m in so many ways that it’s daunting to think about how to go about fixing them. I guess working from small things like cleaning my room could be a start. Also not waffling in bed for two hours when I wake up would work.

Some other shit I’d love to get into again but I can’t prioritize:

• relationships. I get these are important but they’re so fucking hard to form and need effort. I know I’ve failed alone, and Zimbabwe needs relationships to survive but I really can’t make the investment because I’m just so embarrassed.
• grooming. Shit needs money so I can actually develop a better wardrobe.
• concerted health improvement effort. Again, money and stability so I have the headspace.

You know, this is the first time in a long time that I’ve put my feelings into writing. I don’t know why I’m so hesitant to take time to reflect on my days and life, but I should do it more.